Big Sky
Big Sky
Twinning
Pathways
The corner of the eye
…and one more
6 Manifestos from our workshop on Monday 23rd
So I haven’t written about this for ages, mostly because I’ve been distracted by other things, but also because the time I’ve spent on it has been less about ruminating and more about making it work. Now it’s pretty much time to do it: Lies About My Father, at ARC Stockton on Wednesday, and at Leeds Met Studio on Thursday – and then after that at New Diorama in London on 12th March: http://www.newdiorama.com/whats-on-at-new-diorama.aspx?id=126
(ARC: http://www.arconline.co.uk/detail.php?id=2762
Leeds: http://www.leedsmet.ac.uk/arts/8092AE35DC73419BA0052913248A0E0A.htm)
I’m sure anyone who has ever put their work in front of people is familiar with the particular mixture of fear and excitement that builds over the preceding few days. The fact that I’m going to be up there myself actually alleviates that a little. But still.
It’s become at the same time more and less personal. It isn’t a show about me in its intention – to which it’s getting closer, thank whichever ineffable force applies. But it just so happens that in order to carry out said intention, I have to expose myself more than I’d imagined. (Not physically, before you decide not to come)
Perhaps I had imagined it, but I didn’t understand the meaning of that exposure. I’ve been writing it mostly by improvising text and then honing it, and it’s noticeable that when I’ve tried to do that with a couple of climactic sections, I haven’t been able to do it without serious effort. I’ve sort of stuck, like a crashed computer. I open my mouth but I can’t speak. It’s not superficially an emotional response, I don’t get upset, I just become functionally mute for a few seconds.
I stare at the video camera that I rehearse into (and to which I give myself notes), and open and shut my mouth a few times. I can see myself tinily rendered in the flipped over LCD monitor. I feel profoundly self-conscious.
I’m afraid that I’m being indulgent, though I know on sober reflection that I’m not. I worry that I seem insincere. I feel incapable of judgement. These thoughts and a million others all occur at the same time and create a kind of logjam. It’s not helpful.
That said, this reaction could also reassure me that I’m getting to the heart of the matter. A brilliant director who dramaturg-ed my first play told me that I wasn’t risking enough – that it had to cost me something. I understand more what that means now.
If this is making you expect weeping, don’t worry, that’s not what I’m getting at. (Or perhaps that should be, I’m sorry, that’s not…). I just mean that I think I’ve found out what I’ve been trying to say, and the fact that saying it isn’t easy makes it seem more likely to be worth the bother.
Also, I’ve realised that a show I began making almost on a whim has come to matter more to me than anything I’ve done before. So.
Anyway. It’s getting there, and I’m still making discoveries, which is great. And it’s lovely to be back at ARC, and to be visiting Leeds Met for the first time.
Assumptions on Driving into a Strange City at Night (Part 1.)
Amongst the management of certain large financial institutions, it’s fashionable to talk about the weekends you spend in the country, engaged in traditional pursuits with the members of your family who still live there. These vary depending on the particular region, although there is a general assumption that those from the mountains are somehow more authentic than those from the coast.
There’s been a fuel shortage recently.
One of the office buildings you pass is the headquarters of a large utility company. It’s recently been the subject of a high-profile lawsuit. It has another office in a borough to the south of here. This borough is associated with the manufacture of shoes, although the last cobbler shut up shop two decades ago.
You’ll later discover a popular soft drink, flavoured with a peculiar combination of fruits (though really it just tastes of synthetic sugar).
This country has a history of popular uprisings, and many of the most important squares and thoroughfares are named after the heroes of such movements. The current government is a led by a right-wing populist party.
The driver has lived in three of the areas you pass through at different times in his life.
The main telecoms provider uses a cartoon parrot as the company mascot.
When you were nine, you were given a set of pencils that, laid out flat, showed a map of the world, with the capital cities named in pink. The name of this city in particular caught your eye. You now see that this was no accident.
The taxis here are much cheaper than at home. Kids often take them home from school, and try to leave graffiti tags on the seat backs without the drivers noticing.
To the south, there’s a large plain dominated by three industrial cities and a river. The head of state is from a town at the mouth of this river.
Spider house!
Great Rehearsal Spaces I Have Known #1
Third Angel, 3 Brookfield Yard, Sheffield S7 1DY
LIES ABOUT MY FATHER
28/11/11-9/12/11
It’s about…
…knowing who you are
lying
my Dad
your Dad
different kinds of trust
being a teenager
using people
talking to an audience
getting an audience to trust me
admitting something
coming to an understanding
living one version of events, then discovering that someone else lived another
being self-centred
a tattoo
growing up
becoming a father
being afraid of becoming a father
being a son
being a good son
asking what a good son is
times when gratitude and ingratitude are irrelevant
not having much space
building a story
(sort of) a girl
mistaking my relationship with someone for their personality
a conversation
a one-way conversation
a pair of shoes
wish-fulfilment
family
the impossibility of rewinding
the fact that whilst I’m saying this, my Dad is somewhere doing something else
not telling people everything
choosing what to tell people
secondary school
not understanding the reality of things
autobiography
accepting oneself and others
discovering you’ve been wrong for a long time
(the results of a game played with Alex)
Imaginary Dad 4
